Frisbee and Faith

Tonight while playing Ultimate Frisbee there was a moment that reminded me a lot of what I've seen going on through social media with my the PCUSA.  In this blog I want to present a series of quotes (as I best remember them) that I heard there and how I've seen them at play in my denomination recently.

First some background: I've played with the same basic group of people for the last 5 years.  Some members have come and we've added some new ones but there has always been a core group that had come together just to have fun and play.  We've had a few come in with different views of what "fun" was but they tended to come and go fairly quickly.  Recently the always open invite has brought a large group of diverse points of views, and tonight the core group was certainly a minority.  A number of college and club players were there as well as others who "want" to fit into that world. 

So that is where we start.  And it doesn't take long for tensions to increase and interactions such as the following to begin. (all expletives are adjusted out)

"You can take it out and bring it back in"
"Sorry, that's not how we play here"

"Cut IN, Why won't you cut?"
"Because that's a normal throw to make."
"Not if you're REALLY playing"
"Well that's how we play"

"Stack"
"What's that?"
"UGH!"

These types of interactions I find common in the PCUSA.  It's like we're speaking two different languages and the longer we don't feel like others are getting what we're trying to say, the more agitated we get. 

Finally after some comment that I did not hear one of the core group (we'll call him Kurt) started picking up the cones (his) and running off.  The rest of the core group also slowly faded to the sidelines.  As Kurt ran away from the field he yelled "Who do they think they are, they came to play in OUR game!"  One of the other players yelled back "We're just trying to play the right way."  At that point the rest of the core group outside of me left as well (mostly just uncomfortable with what happened). 

I again see this time and again in PCUSA.  Take our toys and go home? Sure.  Tell people that they need to get with the "right" way to do things or to think?  Sure.  Yell it back and forth because both sides have decided to hold their ground at all costs? For Sure! 

As they left, a series of questions and comments came my way as we made use of waterbottles and hats as cones. 
"You've played with them the longest, what was that about?"
"Let them go, let's just play"
"Seriously, are they always like that?"
"I've never seen them that way, what's going on?"
"That was uncalled for"

I wasn't sure what to say.  No one really wanted the answer it didn't seem ("You've taken what they saw as fun and made it something they don't recognize without really including them in the changes."  "Why they are here doesn't mix with this well without first feeling like you respect who they see themselves as")

Yet, so often I feel like that's what I'm called to try to explain within my church and denomination.  Why does one side not see the world the way another side does on an issue or as we tend to camp together with like thoughts as a general worldview. 

Both sides didn't want to dialogue, they didn't want to work together, they wanted what they wanted and wanted it now because they both felt like they had the "right" answer and the "right" to dictate how things should be.  They wanted to poke holes in what the other side wanted and prove to them why they should change.  They didn't want to hear a different viewpoint and then find a way to move forward and find what would be what things "should" be for the good of all.  Yes, the good of all may have ended the same way, but really there was no desire to do so. 

So often this is exactly what I hear.  I work with a conservative Head of Staff who really wants to dialogue but gets defensive because he's been attacked so often.  I tweet regularly with people who consider themselves progressive and liberal who likewise take up defensive stances from the attacks they've suffered.  I can't blame either side for being defensive honestly from a cultural point of view, but I feel we're called to be counter cultural as the church.  So how do we begin to actually dialogue, discern, and live faithfully together into whatever the future will bring?  We're far from it, our current GA thus far seems to be pointing to a culture much like our Frisbee game.  Some are tired of fighting, some are very much standing their ground, some are stuck and unwilling or more likely unable to help anyone move forward.  Regardless of what you want for the church, we need to move against the culture of "us" vs "them" and show another way to struggle with things that are divisive and with worldviews that just do not match up. 

In Acts 10, Peter sees a vision of a sheet and it is filled with things that he correctly labels as unclean, yet God gives him a new way to interpret what he sees.  It is not a simple revelation, it is one we see many struggle with over time: "Do Not Call Common (Unclean) What God Has Purified."  I believe we all have sheets, some of them include people we disagree with, some include actions we find unforgivable, some include things we don't understand in others lives, but we all have a sheet.  We need to realize that God has created all of us in God's image and God is always working towards unknown ends.  That will always leave us with a certain uncertainty, and it is that uncertainty that we need to focus on.  We don't have the answers, we're just asked to struggle together towards that distant, hazy goal that is beyond all the stuff that we have to get through to get there.  Let us focus on struggling together, realizing we don't KNOW anything about what is going to happen or how it is going to happen and live at peace with the uncertainty of "What's Next" or even "What Now."  If we are able to do that we may have a chance to do discernment together and be something more than people fighting over how to play a game.

Can one depart a relationship graciously?

I heard the term again today . . . Gracious Departure.  I can't tell you how uncomfortable that term makes me.  It's like a CIA coverup, let's work out a deal and then it'll be done and all go our separate ways.  Before you know it, it'll be like nothing ever happened.

For people that's BULL.  For churches that's BULL.  It is the nature of relationships that some end.  Many when they end, need to end, and when both parties recognize that it does become easier to move on.  Those in that situation though are few and far between, and even then division of shared identity is problematic.  This best case scenario then recognizes the irreversible change that we create on one another and the links created.  This does happen, but it's never quick and painless.

A truly gracious ending to a relationship though is more complicated and happens only 1 of 2 ways in my opinion:

1. A recognition that a relationship needs to end from 2 parties, with a full recognition of mutual connections and commitments, and an understanding of the continuation of these apart, leaving open the potential for forming a new relationship in the future.
2. A realization that a relationship is not, nor was it ever as both parties may have interpreted it, with an agreement to continue to work and define said relationship for what it is, not what either side thought it was.


Of course to read between the lines there, many would argue that neither is an actual departure from said relationship.  I would argue from a Human Communication viewpoint they are actual departures, just outside of what we view as the norm.

Yet, at this moment it seems though that this split that is happening within the PC(USA) is not amicable, much less gracious.  Both sides have put a claim on parts of the shared identity as solely belonging to them.  This means that we're not looking at a Gracious Departure, but a Violent Disassociation.  I've been here done this in the Baptist world, some churches there had packed their bags more than a decade earlier and were already out the door, just playing house with the denomination.  Their exit was expected, but they still thought that it would "prove a point."  It didn't.  Other churches still cling to some form of dual identity, but really have hacked off a leg or 2 in the process in order to feel comfortable with their decision.  The problem for these churches is they realized the bond that was already formed and didn't want to lose it, there was value in the relationship they had fought for, and they still wanted to be heard. . .on some things.  On the other issues, they'd take their ball and play elsewhere until their partner (SBC) made them take the rest of their stuff from the house as well.

I see both of these things happening in PC(USA).  The "Fellowship" group is seemingly trying to do the latter, while a number of churches are willing to just take the bags they packed and leave.  There though are many churches who haven't committed to either of these approaches, but feel the tugs of one or both.  It is for these that I fear the consequences of what we choose to do with the others in regards to a "Gracious Departure."

I will use a circumstance I know for an example.  I know 3 churches in an area who are all currently restless due to the passage of 10A.  They all have sessions that are "examining the options" or have examined them.  Given the right set of circumstances they may all take a chance at a "Gracious Departure."  The pastors and sessions have tired of fighting with the denomination.  So let's assume they agree to make a "Gracious Departure" would it really look like Grace?

Church 1 - Leads the Hispanic ministry in the area, without them this growing ministry collapses within the PC(USA) for the area.
Church 2 - Is more theologically diverse than their Session believes.  Their pastor is honestly struggling to work through issues he's having, but is committed to the denomination, if they leave his turmoil becomes worse.  The other staff member would quit immediately.  The church would lose people and probably go under in the resulting turmoil.
Church 3 - Again, an active church in community outreach, heads up many presbytery wide initiatives (school and clothing drives, education events, etc). 

Regardless of how both the church and denomination handled the departure of any of these churches it would be less than gracious because the connections are too deep.  Termination of these relationships couldn't be done cleanly and quietly. No relationship termination is without explosive collateral damage when disassociation is involved.

I admit that I do not desire for there to be a mass exodus of conservative congregations, I feel denominations are stronger and better able to grow faithfully when there is pushing and struggling together rather than moving to places of ideological agreement.  This also goes for efforts to name churches according to ideological stances on any certain issue (fellowship, more light, etc.) but as long as we don't use these tags to disassociate with one another, it would be a smaller price to pay in my opinion.  I do not believe that in all cases the fight should be to keep those who have been out the door for years, they're going to go anyway, but let's not encourage others to go that way because we're acting as we feel we've been acted towards.  I don't think this denomination would be stronger if the chopped off all that feel uncomfortable, don't fit.  To say that it would is as fundamentalist as one may claim those who now feel like leaving are.  This has been and will continue to be a complex journey of faith we take together.  This is not the end nor is it a beginning, it is just another moment in the journey and the journey together is what I think it is really all about.

So maybe there is a way still to redefine these existing relationships, maybe though there does need to be some sort of "break."  I don't know the answers, but I feel we're not doing enough to truly be a people where ALL are welcome when we're too willing to let the uncomfortable, the misfits walk (regardless of who these misfits are).  This is a hard issue for our church, just as it is when friends, lovers, or any other relationship becomes strained and difficult for a long time.  Let us journey together in God's grace.