Love is Logical

When I look back over my life there are some key things that most every girl I ever liked had in common.  On the other hand I can also look back and see some great people who really liked me that I wouldn't even give the time of day.  What was it that kept me from being attracted to these girls?  In reality, I just wasn't, I had a very specific type of personality and physical look that would keep my attention and moved me romantically.  I couldn't then, and can't now logic being attracted to others in that way.  Of course at one time that inability to logic attraction made me wonder how ANYONE could be attracted to those who I wasn't.  As I though came to a greater understanding of how we communicate and began to better see the world through others eyes, I saw that everyone had things that they were attracted to, but they weren't always the same things.  

I now feel this is THE most reasonable argument for why same sex attraction is normal.  It's not that everyone should be, but that some just ARE.  It is what they are romantically interested in, just as I have only certain people who attract me, they do too.  There is no difference.  So if you are to tell someone not to be attracted to those of the same sex, you are also saying that you shouldn't limit who you're attracted to by anything other than a set of external rules.  I'm not even sure how we could determine these external rules. It's just illogical to think that we should all only be attracted to the exact same people.  I have never seen anything that makes that seem realistic.  

Why do I use this as my core argument?  Because it is all the same love.  Beyond the complexities of Gender Identity, Roles, Physical Sex, and all of that, who we're attracted to is just that, a short list of people that is different for every person.  It is just how we all do it, regardless of where we may fall on a spectrum.  I can argue with you from a theological standpoint, from a justice standpoint, from a legal standpoint, from any number of other standpoints, but this simple idea to me seems the most universal to all.  Even if you're not attracted to anyone at all, you know what you don't feel.  Why can we not understand that this just is what it is, and we can't really just go change it?  

I tried after my divorce to date a few people different than my ex, mostly physically different but also personality.  My wife now is physically similar, and in some core places is almost the same, same with her personality, there are differences, but there are some key similarities.  I know for some these core attractions do adjust over time, but we all I think can find some patterns either throughout life or within a season of life.  

I don't care what you think about people's actions, there is a serious issue with judging who a person is attracted to, regardless of if that judgement is based on gender or personality or a person's look.  It is like judging another for other differences in thought, such as if you were to judge me because I'm an aspie and can't think the same way as "most" or judging me for what I choose to eat because I am a diabetic.  I do not fit simply into either of these boxes, and to simply use your experience with others who are labeled with these labels to define me is unfair and judgmental   These are both complex situations I find myself in that I have to work with.  But they are more than illnesses or disorders, they are part of me, part of a full me, a core me, a real me that is as real and complete as any other.  

Equality is not as simple as the rights to do what others get to do.  To allow all legal rights does not make us equal.  What makes us equal is seeing all people as complete people and treating all that way.  That means there is no one set of rules that will always make everyone fit, that is actually the core of a relational theology.  God is three and God is one in relationship.  All three are different, but they are all fully God.  It is the same for us, we are each individual, but it is in our relationships with others who are different but still fully human that we ourselves can be fully human ourselves.  

Let people be who they are.  No law is going to change us, we have to change us.  We have to see people as fully equal to us if we want to move forward and bring the kingdom.  Time to get rid of the fear and embrace the same love one for another that we have been given since creation when we were made in the image of Love.

College or Hypocrisy? NEITHER!

Let's get this out of the way: Going to college has NOTHING to do with young adults not being part of church or identifying as "no religious affiliation."  There are so many issues with that idea it's barely worth discussing at all. But let's point out a few major issues:

1. It's based on a weak view of God, one where God cannot even "win" against "human ideas." So many places in scripture and in the Christian tradition we see this is a false idea.
2. It also requires us to think that we can fully understand God and God's ways.  Also a view that holds no water in scripture or tradition.
3. It also seems to assume we're better off not being part of the world we're created as part of, as well as assuming that we shouldn't learn about and discuss with those who challenge our ways of thinking.  Even Paul would laugh at these pieces, and many who hold this type of belief often point to his works as THE authority on what Christ and God mean to the world first and foremost.  
4. Many who make this argument have advanced degrees themselves.  Which just makes no sense.  So many issues here.

 Okay, so now with that out of the way, let me also say the response I've seen often recently seems to be just as problematic and weak.  I am going to oversimplify them all a bit for the sake of brevity and call it the "It's the hypocrisy" argument. Yes, the church is full of hypocrites, has been for ages.  We often do not do what we should, and we often preach and act in illogical ways.  Yet, I don't think this has any more to do with why young adults are not in church than the argument that their education is the cause of this phenomena.  There is hypocrisy in so many places in this world, we understand it's existence, and are willing to accept it most places, yes we may have slightly higher expectations of our religious organizations, but let's be honest: This is small fries for most who just don't see a need for a church.  

So why don't they see the need for a church home, for a community of faith, for a place in the body of God?  Because they are adolescents.  People trying to find their individual identity, people who have been for most of their life.  Adolescence is extended in our society, and as much as I wish we could just fix that problem, we can't, we have to deal with the reality of that is what it is.  We have to stop having church for adults, and become where adolescents take what they are discovering about themselves and connect to something greater. 

Which makes the church a place that nurtures people towards adulthood together. Which of course is not as simple as it sounds.  Yet, I think until we deal with the fact that we live in a society where adolescence is expected/allowed/encouraged to exist for 20-25 years of a persons life, we're not going to actually do anything that changes the end result for the church. Seeking identity with great freedom will always look something like this.

Young people aren't going to have the same attachment to the institutional church that any other generation has had. Yet, we, as the church, can create new relationships with those who will one day want to find a home community of their own. We just can't expect them to act like what we have seen in the past. Forty year old adolescents who are raising eight year old adolescents aren't going to come back to the church, but they do know a community that shares their passions for justice and a better world when they see one. How do we connect to those who are seeking those things while not expecting them to fit our adult mode until they get there in their own lives? 


That is the question that I think we should be asking, that is what the "Next Church" looks like.  It is both a bunch of individuals who think they may share similar passions within their larger world.  Not brought together by a set of beliefs or even a "faith," but by the commonality of searching and becoming.  Giving people that space and opportunity will become a larger part of who we are.  


All of this is to say we need to not focus on what is causing a certain group to not be active in the church, bur rather on the "whys" that they are looking for.  This means more focus on Human development and communication theory as we move forward, which does mean less simple answers, but as seen above the simple answers just don't hold up.  Let's move forward in reality and let God deal with what makes the world ideal.

What makes a good neighbour?

“Which one of these was a neighbour to the man in need?” This question is the conclusion to Jesus' answer to another question “Who is my neighbour?” Note that Jesus doesn't answer the question asked, Jesus doesn't say “Those in need are your neighbor.” Jesus asks who acted as a neighbor, he really answers the question “Why be a neighbor?” with “Be a neighbor because you see ones in need.” Everyone is our neighbor in this world, it honestly may be the best term we can use for others. The Greek term used here literally means “the one nearby” and has the implication of “a person I know of.” We all know people in need, either specific people who we know by name, or people who we know exist even if we don't happen to see them everyday because of how our world is sometimes divided. We can all talk about places where there are struggles and people who are in need, and because of that we should call them neighbor.

One of the ministries we worked with this past summer was the Urban Ministry center in Charlotte. They call all who come to see them neighbors, and often over time by name. They care about the homeless who have need of medical care, food, clothing, shelter, help getting paperwork so that they can be employed, and just love from another person who has the ability to help. Our youth were touched by one of these neighbors, Gary. As Gary told his story, you could see the stories of others we had met over the week flood through the minds and hearts of our youth. They saw someone who they could help and could love, and made a decision that they weren't leaving without finding him again and giving him a gift. This isn't because it was the right thing to do, but because he was a neighbor. One in need.

It doesn't matter who our neighbors are, we will know them when we see them, because the Spirit that lives within us sees others spirits and feels their needs. This is God at work in this world, caring for others and fighting for justice. But more than that it is building a relationship and being that neighbor, a neighbor who doesn't separate from others, whose concern, like the Samaritan in scripture is for the “other” the “neighbor.” There are no walls, no rules, no laws, no expectations that keep him from being a neighbor. Likewise we must question the things that divide us, do they likewise keep us from seeing each other and our needs, from letting the Spirit of God act among us as it wishes, bringing all together in God's love. In The Mending Wall by Robert Frost we see a narrator who questions the walls that are built between neighbors, and a neighbor who seems to the narrator to walk in a sort of darkness, protecting self interest and not sharing love, even as he is unable to understand the need for such a divide and just clings to it because it's always been there. May we be ones who question the walls in our lives and in the world. Thus may we become the neighbors to all that we are called to be.

Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it,
And spills the upper boulders in the sun,
And makes gaps even two can pass abreast.
The work of hunters is another thing:
I have come after them and made repair
Where they have left not one stone on a stone,
But they would have the rabbit out of hiding,
To please the yelping dogs. The gaps I mean,
No one has seen them made or heard them made,
But at spring mending-time we find them there.
I let my neighbor know beyond the hill;
And on a day we meet to walk the line
And set the wall between us once again.
We keep the wall between us as we go.
To each the boulders that have fallen to each.
And some are loaves and some so nearly balls
We have to use a spell to make them balance:
'Stay where you are until our backs are turned!'
We wear our fingers rough with handling them.
Oh, just another kind of out-door game,
One on a side. It comes to little more:
There where it is we do not need the wall:
He is all pine and I am apple orchard.
My apple trees will never get across
And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.
He only says, 'Good fences make good neighbors'.
Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder
If I could put a notion in his head:
'Why do they make good neighbors? Isn't it
Where there are cows?
But here there are no cows.
Before I built a wall I'd ask to know
What I was walling in or walling out,
And to whom I was like to give offense.
Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That wants it down.' I could say 'Elves' to him,
But it's not elves exactly, and I'd rather
He said it for himself. I see him there
Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top
In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed.
He moves in darkness as it seems to me
Not of woods only and the shade of trees.
He will not go behind his father's saying,
And he likes having thought of it so well
He says again, "Good fences make good neighbors."

What would I ask myself:

While I was out directing 50 HS/MS on how to act on the Ed Sullivan Show, someone asked me online what questions I'd ask someone interviewing for a youth and family position. Here is a short list of things:

Why do you feel this ministry is important to a church?

What things would be a sign to you that a church thought this ministry was important?

In doing this ministry, what things do you see being the best use of your time and skills?

What are some of the best things you've seen others do that you have not been able to replicate (and follow up with "Why" if needed)?

How do you see other ministries in this church affecting and intersecting with this ministry?

Where do you feel you (would) work best when doing this ministry?

In what ways do you find the parts of this ministry similar? different?  (depending on what info they have may also have to ask "what do you find to be the essentials of this ministry")

Something you thought would work really well didn't turn out the way you expected, what would you do?

How do see relationships, programing, resourcing, and planning working together in your view of this ministry?

A new family comes to worship, what do you do? (or has been coming for a month, depending on what you want to know)

How does your own life reflect the ideals that you feel are most important to the work of this ministry, in what ways does it not?

How does this ministry affect other groups in the church (list if needed)?

How do you deal with someone who feels that a major part of your ministry is "not for them?"

Who are the most important people to your ministry?

I could go on for a while (and have) but this is a good kickoff interview list I think to get people to possibly give more than just canned answers and open up comfortably about if a ministry is truly a fit.